Almost

I am ALMOST 34.  I have ALMOST been married 13 years.  My daughter is ALMOST 10 year old.  My son is ALMOST in first grade. Dinner is almost ready, dishes are almost caught up, laundry is almost dry, I can almost fit in these pants, it's almost bedtime, it's almost time to get up, it's almost time for the kids to get out of school, it's almost the weekend, you've almost got it, it's almost Monday, and it's almost time for daddy to be home.  Most of my days are filled with ALMOST. I thought by my mid 30's, 2 kids, a husband, and mortgage later I would have it ALL FIGURED OUT.  Well, almost.

ALMOST

 According to Webster's dictionary Almost means "very nearly but not exactly or entirely."  Some days my life is ALMOST.  Nothing is finished, completed, handled, or settled.  Most of my chores are ALMOST completed, but not quite.  I get frustrated thinking to myself "Why can't I get anything finished? How does everyone else do it?  Why can't I figure this out?"  It was then I realized life is ALMOST.  It's about laundry and dishes that are never finished, children who you are never entirely finished raising, family you've not "exactly" spent enough time with, reinventing yourself, learning, and ultimately LIVING.   I don't think I'll ever live out my full potential because I'm imperfect.  I will never be the best wife, daughter, housekeeper, driver,cook, volunteer, employee, boss, parent, friend, or mother.  Not because I don't won't to, but because it's impossible to fill so many roles in 24 hour day.  I can't dedicate 100% of my day to any one area of my life.  I've got to learn to push on and challenge myself everyday.  It's time to accept the facy that my days are in a perpetual "almost."  This is life.

KARMA is a....

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind ~ Gandhi.

OH Karma....  You are more than just a Jersey Shore dance club, you are the reason revenge takes hold of those people in our lives that do us wrong and just ruin them.   Muahahahahaha!

KARMA???  Really???

I do believe what goes around comes around, but ONLY as a lesson God puts in our lives, not to ruin us.  I see so many posts...Karma is gonna get you... blah blah blah.  If "karma" was real, like some people believe, we would all be beyond any hope or repair.  What bugs me is that people forget there are many different sides to a story, side A, side B, and the truth.  How do YOU know the person that wronged you hasn't already asked for forgiveness??????

If I believed in "karma" for all the people that have hurt me or wronged me in my life, then I would have NEVER learned to forgive and move forward and vice versa for those I've hurt.   Instead I would have watched in corners laughing at their misfortune.  I'm so glad I'm not that person and so glad my children are not those "KARMA Blasters."  They too will learn to NOT BE DOORMATS but still be gracious and extended forgiveness because we are not a perfect people.  We need to learn that everyone has their own story,  their own feelings,  their own experiences,  their own upbringings, their own weaknesses, and so forth.  And YES someone will wrong you, they will hurt you, they will bring you down, but waiting on revenge only eats away at the person you should be and will be! We are all capable of forgiveness, but that doesn't mean you have to forget how someone made you feel.


NOTE: Now, don't get me wrong, some folks do have to pay for their actions and JUSTICE should be served.   I'm speaking on the petty stuff, the rumor mills, the disagreements, the hurt feelings, etc.  

Channeling the Doogie

Post 2 of my blog and I'm beginning to feel a bit like Doogie Howser... complete with my lesson for the day.  Cue the dramatic music!!!  Unfortunately, it takes me much longer than 24 hours, or a 30 minute drama/sitcom, to realize that I'm never going to have some things figured out.

On the other hand, I do have signs... no not "Here's your sign", although those moments arise frequently, but rather beacons of warnings or premonitions.  Yep, God talks to me all day, through tiny signs in my life.  They could be really small signs like seeing a friend, missing the green light, not being able to find a shoe, or finding $5 in my jeans.  Sometimes the good signs may slide by unseen and even unappreciated, to which I have no excuse for except to learn to embrace the small blessings.  It's usually the beacons of warnings that I hear loud and clear - don't travel that road, remember to charge your cell, lock your car (which I forgot to do and that VERY night someone broke in), a simple disagreement, a certain song, a quote or verse... those things that usually jump out at me and bonk me on the head as if God were saying "Kelly, if you keep down this path it will break your spirit! This is not a good situation for you to be involved in."  Do I always LISTEN?... nope, I'm too busy trying to reason why I'm on the path in the first place.  Eventually, days, months, and even years may go by, and I always seem to run smack dab and face first into that damn sign again!  I've got to accept that certain things are meant to happen, some relationships are toxic, and life waits for no one.

Right now I don't have to figure anything out - I just need to pay attention to the signs!

I Think I CAN????

Oh my.  These last few years have sure been a whirlwind of chaos.  I can say I'm in the "valley" and hope to be climbing the "mountain" any time now!

In the past six years,

• I watched my sister's marriage, even though he was a creep and perv, fall apart.  I watched her emotionally suffer and struggle thru a living nightmare.  I set in on court date after court date and watch the justice system just screw them over! I researched and prayed and prayed and prayed that Lori would actually see justice.  Justice was disappointing.
• I watched my mother fight with her RA and become a very different person.  It's hard to watch one of the most important people in your life struggle with pain.  Thank GOD for advances in medicines and for her wonderful sense of distorted humor!
• I had a beautiful son on 10-20-06, on my parents anniversary!  Brad Wallace Luther.. ahhh my sweet second child that would make my life complete.  Well he completes it for sure... but OH MY !!!  that boy apparently had Red Bull IV's in the womb.
• I watched my husband of forever, basically struggle with growing up and stepping up to the plate to become the dad and husband he should be.  However, DJ is DJ and there is just no changing him!

Oh but it could be much WORSE.  Lori could still be married to that ass, Mom could be struggling with a different disease, Brad could have not been born, and DJ and I could have called it quits.  So I count my blessings.

That being said....I've decided to focus 2012 on me and being a better wife and mother.  I decided to sell Mary Kay on the side and donate each month to a worthy cause like MS, school,  Humane Society, my church, etc.  I want to do some good and I want my kids to see me do some good. Good deed, check.    I've been taking Zumba and trying to eat healthier for my family. Healthier choices, check.  However, being a better wife and mom... well I'm hoovering... I've not yet crashed and burned but not soared either.

I can picture it in my mind.  The woman that can do it all.  They look great, they cook great, their kids are well behaved, their husband are perfect.  Okay, Okay.  I know that isn't always the case, but I swear my outings with the kids are always as if they were just released from a halfway house and decided to crazy!  I spent one trip to Walmart where Brad wrapped himself around my legs and BIT my ankle???  REALLY the kid bit my ankle!  This doesn't even include the wild hormonal ride my 8 year old is taking me on this year.  Oh wait let's not FORGET, that the hubster is out of town working and my kids remember only "perfect, super hero dad"!  Forget, slave driven, tired, worn down, Mama... Yes folks, it's true.  I've also developed a super power- Invisibility. But do I still think I can??  Someone tell me how these other moms do it.  Perfectly clean houses, well behaved kids, social time, taxi moms, school volunteers, superb careers, exciting marriages... there has to be a formula somewhere!!!  The best I can do is an edible dinner, a semi clean house, social time when I'm ushering the kids back and forth to activities, and exciting DJ by telling him what got destroyed in our house today.  Ha ... I'm never going to make it!

I think I can. I think I can. Please Lord, help me think I can!